"Am I Drinking Too Much?"

This question is a quandary that many of the people I meet in my private practice are faced with. Maybe your family or friends have told you that you are. Maybe you have encountered issues with the law because of your behaviour whilst drinking. Maybe your doctor has indicated it is an issue. Or maybe you are noticing the effects your alcohol use is having on your physiological/ psychological well-being.

Not surprisingly, there is no cut and dry answer that can be generalised to answer this question for all people. For each of the above possibilities however, a different set of reflections may help to guide you.

Friends & Family

In the case of family and friends telling you to change your ways, ask yourself, what is it specifically that they are wanting you to change? What effect is your drinking having on them? Is the family budget being affected, is your functional capacity at home inadequate, is it that your commitment to the family seems diminished, your behaviour, your moods? While reflecting on these, try to answer the question, how important is my drinking to me? Is it more important than my family/ my friends? There is a well known adage in AA that a person has to hit ‘rock bottom’ before they finally decide to change. Now, everybody’s ‘rock bottom’ is obviously different. For some it may be an argument with a spouse that gets out of hand, for others it might be an unending cycle of addiction that results in homelessness. There’s some significant individual variance. Whatever it is for you, it is worthwhile reflecting on.

Legal Issues

I have spent many years in various roles working with both mandated and voluntary clients who have had issues with the law because of their drug/ alcohol use. As you may know, just like the law is not a sufficient deterrent from people using drugs, it is also not sufficient to keep people out of trouble whilst drinking. Alcohol has such a deleterious effect on our brain’s decision-making capacity that the implications of the law often slip through people’s drunken consciousness without consideration. If you are having issues with the law because of drinking, does this mean you are drinking too much though? Not necessarily, though it does suggest that the way in which you are drinking may need looking at. Are you drinking and driving? Are you drinking to excess in a location which is likely to cause you trouble? Does alcohol have such an effect on you that a run in with the law is inescapable? What is your relationship with alcohol and what does alcohol bring out in you that doesn’t agree with the expectations of our society?

Your GP

The next reflection is potentially easier than the others. Just do what your doctor says, right? :o) A doctor’s assessment is directed by her experience of you and the information that you provide and so may I encourage you to always be honest with them. Secondly, they are directed by their medical knowledge. According to the NHMRC we are recommended to drink no more than 2 standard drinks on any one day to reduce long term health risks and no more than 4 standard drinks on any one drinking occasion to reduce risk of alcohol related injury. Research further supports the concept of having at least 2 days free of alcohol per given week. In reality, this is a generalised recommendation that is difficult to conceive of for many people and it will likely be revised in the future again and again as we come to better understand its direct implications on physical and psychological health. At the end of the day, alcohol is a toxin and each individual’s genetic and biological capacity to rid itself of toxins is unique. Perhaps even a reduction in your drinking by just one drink a day may have a significant positive effect on your physical health both in the short term and the long term. Chat to your GP and other treating professionals about this further.

You

Finally, perhaps you have noticed yourself that you are drinking more than you would like. Are your energy levels low during the day or you are sick of waking up foggy? Are your thoughts less clear and productive throughout the day than they used to be? Alcohol may not be solely to blame for these but it certainly may be a contributing factor. Reflect on how you use alcohol once more. Do you notice yourself using alcohol to get through challenging situations or emotions? Is it boredom, anger, thirst, tiredness, loneliness that triggers your drinking? These are important questions that you may have already considered. Once you get to know your drinking patterns, you will be in a much better position to decide whether you are drinking too much or what action you need to take, if any.

Regardless of your answers, please hold no shame along the way. Own your answers and be proud of these new insights you are gaining about yourself. If it is that you have decided you are drinking too much, take this answer with both hands and not another bottle. Reach out and do something about it. Firstly, make a commitment to change. Inform everyone of your decision to change and how you are going to be doing it. Through this step we hold ourselves accountable to everyone around us as well as us. Then take the next step. If you are interested in doing this on your own the next time you are drinking, here are a few practical recommendations to begin with;

• Set limits for yourself and stick to them (be honest with yourself)

• Start with non-alcoholic drinks and alternate with alcoholic drinks

• Try drinks with a lower alcohol content (there are some amazing tasting mid strength beers available nowadays, or ask the bar for a half pour if you’re drinking spirits).

• Eat before or while you are drinking

• Don’t participate in every round (nobody will complain too much unless its your buy)

If you need support, reach out to a psychologist in your area specialising in this area, a drug/ alcohol treatment facility in your area or online, or a supportive friend. If none of these are available to you get in touch and I’ll do whatever I can to point you in the right direction.

Take care people

Tristan

Acceptance

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference

The above, secularised version of the serenity prayer, will be familiar to those with a background working in drug and alcohol services or with any involvement in the world of AA/NA. For those of you who are not, it is a beautiful and encouraging example of how small words can support those struggling with control, addiction, and other mental troubles.

Acceptance is the underpinning of many Eastern and new age philosophies and has been readily adopted into the modern psychological treatment room. After all, if we can come to accept the mental struggles we are facing, our internal battles can largely be dropped in favour of peace, calm, and cognitive space. But what does it really mean in terms of the issues we are faced with in life?

What about love? What about our selves?

Many years ago a dear friend said to me, with regards to love, that I should never settle. I have battled with this concept since hearing it. Should we settle in a relationship that doesn’t quite tick all the boxes? To me, the idea of not-settling stands in opposition to the notion of acceptance in a way.

If you are single, it might be refreshing for you to consider that there can not possibly be just one-singular perfect person for you in this world. I cannot believe this possibility to be true. There are billions of options out there so logically there will always be someone. If you are in a relationship, this thought might be troubling.

From an evolutionary perspective, we are created to find someone. Anyone... Perfection is far from what evolution is looking for in our partner anyway. Perhaps compatibility may be a better description of what our genetic drive is seeking, moderated by a combination of our self-perception, our self-worth, and other underlying traits which determine how much we feel the need to be with someone else. IMHO acceptance is the realisation that it is necessary to settle to be in any relationship. The perfect person always has flaws. We may be blinded to them early on in a relationship but they will invariably emerge. Now, I’m not trying to be a negative nancy here, just a realist I hope. Acceptance of these character traits / behaviours / habits is ultimately a choice of own perceptions and the amount they weigh on our consciousness.

What of our selves? Surely this is the most significant thing that the serenity prayer guides us towards being able to affect? It is true in that we are able to change our selves through our thoughts, our behaviours, our biopsychological management. My profession is ultimately based on this concept after all. Helping people to sometimes change those things about themselves that they are not comfortable with or that is causing them mental stress.

Recently I was reading an article however, talking about counselling a client to know and accept their fundamental limits as well. I notice such a presence in the current social media world of limitlessness, absolute capability that belongs to everyone. I wonder though does this movement fail to acknowledge the basic premise that we are each, as individual human beings limited in some way or another? This is not a negative thing! Sure, your limit is someone else’s strength, but their limit may also be your strength. Acceptance of our limits is invaluable in dissipating the internal voice that harshly tries to convince us that ‘i have to be everything, to everyone, as good as everyone else, all of the time’. In letting this voice go through acceptance of our limits, peace may be found.

So, I will repeat it again. Take care people.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference

Another Reason Why Not to Use Your Phone in the Toilet

Image courtesy of Pixabay

Admittedly, there are a hundred million germy reasons why we shouldn't be using something in a toilet that is designed to go near our face. Despite this though, various surveys report that up to 75% of people admit to regularly replying to text, checking social media or even using their phone to talk to people whilst on the toilet! Now, I don’t fall into this statistic and am pretty shocked by this figure so I thought I would add just one more reason not to for those who do. That is; your brain.

We live in a world which is constantly on the go. I watched a TED talk recently by Manoush Zomorodi, a tech podcaster and boredom specialist (what a title), who reports that people in today's society succumb to their bored urges very quickly indeed. According to Zomorodi, people check their emails on average 74 times a day and switch tasks on their devices 566 times a day (from a conversation with Professor Gloria Mark). Often just because they are bored. Now, I don’t know what population make up this statistic but I think that it is likely further enabled by the socially acceptable electronic device within reach to us almost all of our waking days. Our phones are so much more than just a phone and offer so many forms of boredom-quashing entertainment. Our brain is adapting to this and goes along feeding a never-ending evolutionary-driven thirst for stimulation. But at what cost? Zomorodi goes on to say that when we look at brains in times of boredom, they are not doing nothing. Quite the opposite. Our brains are busy consolidating memories, developing creative ideas and solving problems through the formation of new neural connections. Similar processes occur during sleep hence it's necessity in mental wellbeing. Having downtime (being bored) actually maximises our creativity, productiveness and cognitive potentials.

Zomorodi’s talk made me think. How can we create more downtime from our devices? Are there any alone times in your lives where you allow yourself to just be bored? For many, boredom is emotionally uncomfortable so they keep a tight and busy schedule so as to avoid it. Loneliness, anxiety or unresolved grief quite often emerge in times of boredom. In my personal case, I reflected on my alone time. I have two young girls so don't get much of this I'll admit when I'm not writing or have tasks I've set myself to complete. But i don’t feel uncomfortable with boredom per se. At first I started to think outside of the work environment but even when I'm running I am listening to Spotify. I considered re-taking up swimming recently and as I did, began Googling waterproof MP3 players to avoid the tedium of the black line I remember too well… and this was about the time I thought of the humble toilet.

I began reflecting on Yuval Noah Harari's writing and the many tales from history of revolutionaries of humanity and knowledge who had realised their greatest ideas whilst sitting on the pot. The toilet has been a place of quiet solace, barren of interpersonal contact for the majority of human civilisation... Until now apparently for an astonishingly large percentage of people.

Readers, I encourage you to cherish your time of boredom whilst sitting on the toilet. A space where you may routinely forget any expectations society has of you, or perhaps you may ponder these. Regardless of where your mind goes, let it go there. Seize this time of boredom instead of your phone. If not for e Coli, then for your brains.

How To Choose The Perfect Gift

Does the following scenario sound familiar to anyone? It’s Friday afternoon, you’ve had a really busy week and you receive a reminder on your phone (or from your mum) that it’s your partner’s birthday tomorrow... Anyone?

Well, maybe your memory is better than most. Anyway, despite the title sounding like I’m about to launch into a multiplatform commercial promoting anything and everything, this is not what I’m writing about today. Instead, I wanted to share a tool with you that you can use to make sure that you forever (and in the next 24 hours) show your love to your partner in the most attuned way possible. 

This tool is so great that it can be adopted with any sort of gift giving, not just with your GF/BF/ husband/wife but with your friends too - it just might take a bit more effort and deeper insight into understanding them. It is also absolutely vital for parents.

If you haven’t heard of The 5 Love Languages, it is essential reading for anyone wanting to improve their relationship. The book is readily available as it was written some time back though it is still relevant and accurate and easily implemented into real life. The premise is that there are 5 primary love ‘languages’ or ways that love can be given or received. The disconnect that so often occurs in relationships and gift giving is that the way that one partner habitually gives love does not align with their partner’s way of receiving love. This is something that is so commonly heard in counselling with clients speaking about their spouses.

So, what are the 5 love languages? Well, according to the researcher Gary Chapman, they are;

Words of Affirmation - using words to affirm other people

Acts of Service - where actions speaks louder than words

Receiving Gifts - when receiving a physical gift makes you feel most loved

Quality Time - giving / receiving undivided attention

Physical Touch - for this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch

Within the 5 Love Language website you can complete the quiz to determine the extent to which each of these love languages apply to you. Reflect on these for a moment if you like now. At the times you feel most loved/ most cared for, what is it that the other person is doing/ has done? Contrastingly, what do you tend to do when you want to show the people closest to you that you love them? Be honest with yourself here - don’t let the illusory-superiority bias get in the way of your responding (no-one is judging if you really only feel truly loved when you receive expensive gifts. There is often a familial explanation as to why we feel love a certain way and this is perfectly okay). 

These are tough questions to answer on your own admittedly and so I do recommend taking the quiz. 

“Now, back to giving the perfect gift to my partner” I hear you say. Well here’s the thing. As you may have realised by now, your partner may have a set of love language preferences that are distinct to yours. Because of this, what you would most appreciate is not necessarily going to be what they really need. The perfect ‘gift’ might not actually be something physical that you need to go and buy. Instead, it might be something as simple as sitting on Burleigh Hill with your partner for some time together - no phones - just you and them spending quality time together. Or perhaps if you have a partner with words of affirmation as their primary love language, a written note filled with complimentary words and how much you love and appreciate them in your life might be more attuned. In acts of service, perhaps undertaking the house chores or family duties that are usually left to them. This might not sound so romantic to you, but for those who really love receiving acts of service this absolutely touches their heart. There are a myriad of ways to express each of the five love languages - it is limited only by your imagination. 

From here, the key is to now understand what is/ are your partner’s love language/s.

Short of asking them to take the quiz (this is a great idea and a wonderful conversation to share in a relationship BTW but if you’ve only got till tomorrow maybe don’t let it out of the bag that you haven't thought of what to gift them yet)... Instead, reflect now on the times when your partner seemed most content / pleased with your actions. What is is that you have done in the past? What is it that you do regularly that it seems they really appreciate? What did you buy for them/ organise for them / do for them that they seemed to really love you for? Take some time with this - write a few notes - and when you've come up with a few answers, take a look at these various things and see which love language category they might fall into. It might be more than one - that’s normal - but one often stands out more than the others. 

Showing love goes far beyond a yearly present as I’m sure you know and it is all those small acts on a regular basis that, if correctly attuned, can go a long way in promoting relationship wellbeing. I hope that from the reflective activity above and The 5 Love Languages concept you will be guided towards finding the most ideal way to show love to those people in your life who matter most. Shops are open late tonight right?

Take care all :o)

www.tristanabba.com

*Image courtesy of Pixabay

Choosing your career

Okay, be prepared, the linked article is a long one but it is wonderfully written and engaging. 

Tim Urban uses simple explanations to describe the complex processes a person is faced with in choosing a career today. Such a great read. I'm not going to summarise the article here but suffice to say there are some brilliant metaphors including a yearning octopus who I love.

"The world is easy—you’re difficult. If you find yourself continually not executing your plans in life and your promises to yourself, you’ve uncovered your new #1 priority—becoming a better kindergarten teacher. Until you do, your life will be run by a bunch of primitive, short-sighted 5-year-olds, and your whole shit will suck." Tim Urban

The above quote is going up on my wall for sure!

Perhaps my favourite aspect of this whole article though is the realisation that no matter what you choose during your career path, there will always be at least one part of yourself that will not be wholly satisfied. This is okay. This is a fundamental aspect of our human nature. Accept this, and the reality of your life choices become a lot easier.

Enjoy the read

Tristan  

Returning to practice soon!

I have had the most incredible past year travelling the world, learning new things, challenging myself in new ways, struggling with new internal processes. It's been great. It's been hard. This is life - always a balance of both. All cliches aside, I genuinely feel like this past year changed me as a person significantly for the better. This will no doubt roll into my professional life and I am really looking forward to this.

I'm returning to work in October 2018 at the new Lives Lived Well Specialist Centre (formerly Banjara) in Burleigh Heads. I considered a few other options but at the end of the day my heart won out with a familiar environment and an encouraging network already in the community.

I found the above quote the other day and I've rarely read something that describes me so perfectly when I am at work. My inner voice of judgment is dropped and each of my clients are 'trees' that I get to see for who they are and understand the unique set of life events that have shaped them as people. It is this paradoxically peaceful serenity from my own busy mind that I love so much about the counselling room. 

Contact for an appointment or for more information about my approach. Look forward to connecting or catching up soon. 

Tristan :)

Five Unique Ways to Manage Overthinking

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Anxious overthinking is horrible, right? When you get caught in those loops where you're just thinking about one single event, a relationship, our self, our future over and over. Maybe you get caught up analyzing something that happened, regretting an action you took, or worrying about the future of something or a decision. Sometimes it feels like the thoughts will never go away as that typhoon of thoughts gets bigger and bigger assuming more potential devastating outcomes.

Hang in there… The more you practice skills to manage your anxious overthinking, the less it will overwhelm you. So here are five unique ways to manage it. There are plenty of others but I find myself sharing these novel ones with clients frequently. I don’t take credit for these as they have been adapted from various schools of psychology.

1)      Take a Dive

There’s something we have in our body called the ‘mammalian dive reflex’. In short, this reflex optimises our breathing and our body to cope in underwater situations for as long as possible in order to survive. This process is known as a ‘vagal maneuverer’ – (Google this up if you’re interested in biology specifics). What is important to know is that our breathing relaxes and our heartrate slows by 10-25%. By easing up on our heart and lungs our brain is informed that there is less to stress about and the worrying eases.

So, next time you’re overthinking jump in the pool and do some underwater laps. If you don’t have access to a pool or the ocean, then a bowl of water deep enough to dunk in your face up to your ears will do the trick. Oh, and the colder the water the quicker this will work so throw some ice in for good measure.

2)      “But if I stop thinking, x y and z will happen…”

Ever notice yourself saying something like this when you're caught in an endless cycle of worry.

Now, I can’t say that x, y, or z will or won’t happen but a lot of the time, our overthinking won’t make squat of a difference to it.

Overthinking often happens when we are unwilling to commit to an outcome and this is something we can do something about. There is a mantra from Alcoholics Anonymous that can be helpful to remind yourself of when faced with this conundrum.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Essentially, categorise your thinking into things that are within your control and outside of your control (write a list on two pieces of paper if need be). Now go through the list of things within your control and do something practical about each of them. Don’t just think about it, do it. Schedule a time to do these if you can’t do them right now. Then let yourself know that you have done everything that you possibly can in this moment to address each of these.

With the list of things that are out of your control, go to 3.

3)      Burn it, bury it, or put it in a box.

Ah the list of things outside of our control. These are always the worst but unfortunately the things we love to overthink and worry about the most.  I’d love to tell you to simply take a note out of Frozen and Let It Go but you’re probably sick of people telling you this so here are some other options;

ü  Burn the list (safely please). Notice how you feel after. Write it again and burn it again if you need to.

ü  Bury the list. It’s paper, it will decompose.

ü  Put it in a box. I can’t remember where I first heard this idea but it’s so silly it gives great perspective to worry. Put your worry list in a box and allocate a set period of time (e.g. 30 minutes) at some time during the day. Then during that time (and that time only) you worry the hell out of that thought. You go for it. This is your worrying ability’s time to shine! Then go to 1,2,4, or 5.

4)      Run with your thoughts – don’t let them run away with you

Intense exercise induces a creation of excitable neurons in areas of the brain associated with anxiety. From this you would think that exercise would make anxiety worse, right? But this seems to not be the case. Instead, research shows us that these new baby overexcitable neurons that are created also contain high levels of GABA - a neurotransmitter which inhibits the neurons from firing (many anti-anxiety medications are designed to replicate this same calming effect).

So, the next time you are stuck for hours picking apart everything you said awkwardly in last night’s date, go for a run... Fast…

If running isn’t your thing, some hard swimming or some Bikram yoga or jumping in and out of waves for about 30 minutes should do it.

5)      Talk to someone, just someone

It is invariably a commonly held belief of the psychological profession that sharing your troubles with someone is beneficial. For the most part, this is true.

However, if you are an overthinker, in attempting to gain as much information as possible to reduce uncertainty, you may find yourself seeking advice or sharing your doubts with many people. This is not necessarily helpful. There is a point at which gaining details and information and opinions on your issue will only overcrowd your already overthinking brain and will not add value. After this point, other’s input will only complicate things and waste time. Uncertainty is a normal aspect of life and something to be accepted. Speak with one or two people and if the overthinking persists go back to 1, 2, 3 or 4.

On a final note, caffeine and tobacco are likely to be counterproductive to overthinking as they are stimulants to your brain and make it alert to more possible scenarios rather than less. Alcohol, whilst in the short term may help dull your overthinking thoughts, has been demonstrated to make it worse as it is wearing off or the next day (you may experience this as waking up in the middle of the night with overwhelming thoughts).

Good luck and may peace be with your thoughts. 

Facebook page up and running

I have finally created a Facebook page!

https://www.facebook.com/tristanabbapsychology/

I realised that I spend so much time flicking through articles that I come across that it would be easy to link to Facebook and provide interest and support to people this way.

Choose your diet, choose your mood

There is so much interesting neurobiological research being published at the moment about what  we eat and how this affects our psychology.

To sum up what I've been reading from what I can understand (I was never much of a biologist);

- the gut is full of bacteria (good, bad, and indifferent).

- It's been known for a long time that the brain has an effect on the gut (think getting diarrhea when we're highly anxious - before a race or an exam).

- We are only now recognizing that the bacteria in the gut can have a direct effect on mood also!

- What we eat determines the balance of bacteria in our gut (an obvious point I know)  

So; WHAT SHOULD WE BE EATING ?

Well, this is where things are still a bit unclear unfortunately. Which foods create bacteria in our gut that create more feelings of anxiety or depression? Maybe it's not so simple.

What we do know is that a low fibre + high sugar diet isn't great... It's what they've been telling us all along I guess for our general health : more wholefoods (veggies, fruit, meat, beans etc), less processed junk food. The same counts for our mental health.

Tips for avoiding junk food during the day:

- Eat the biggest healthy breakfast reminding yourself that you are making your day greater

- Take lunch to work or school and plenty of it

- Take plenty of snacks (have a lunch box of fruit and nut mix in the car or in the office and I guarantee a handful or two of these will reduce the craving for that arvy Twix bar)

- Have your own water bottle and keep it with you (save money buying water and drink it often. Half of the time we think we're hungry when we're actually thirsty...)