Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference
The above, secularised version of the serenity prayer, will be familiar to those with a background working in drug and alcohol services or with any involvement in the world of AA/NA. For those of you who are not, it is a beautiful and encouraging example of how small words can support those struggling with control, addiction, and other mental troubles.
Acceptance is the underpinning of many Eastern and new age philosophies and has been readily adopted into the modern psychological treatment room. After all, if we can come to accept the mental struggles we are facing, our internal battles can largely be dropped in favour of peace, calm, and cognitive space. But what does it really mean in terms of the issues we are faced with in life?
What about love? What about our selves?
Many years ago a dear friend said to me, with regards to love, that I should never settle. I have battled with this concept since hearing it. Should we settle in a relationship that doesn’t quite tick all the boxes? To me, the idea of not-settling stands in opposition to the notion of acceptance in a way.
If you are single, it might be refreshing for you to consider that there can not possibly be just one-singular perfect person for you in this world. I cannot believe this possibility to be true. There are billions of options out there so logically there will always be someone. If you are in a relationship, this thought might be troubling.
From an evolutionary perspective, we are created to find someone. Anyone... Perfection is far from what evolution is looking for in our partner anyway. Perhaps compatibility may be a better description of what our genetic drive is seeking, moderated by a combination of our self-perception, our self-worth, and other underlying traits which determine how much we feel the need to be with someone else. IMHO acceptance is the realisation that it is necessary to settle to be in any relationship. The perfect person always has flaws. We may be blinded to them early on in a relationship but they will invariably emerge. Now, I’m not trying to be a negative nancy here, just a realist I hope. Acceptance of these character traits / behaviours / habits is ultimately a choice of own perceptions and the amount they weigh on our consciousness.
What of our selves? Surely this is the most significant thing that the serenity prayer guides us towards being able to affect? It is true in that we are able to change our selves through our thoughts, our behaviours, our biopsychological management. My profession is ultimately based on this concept after all. Helping people to sometimes change those things about themselves that they are not comfortable with or that is causing them mental stress.
Recently I was reading an article however, talking about counselling a client to know and accept their fundamental limits as well. I notice such a presence in the current social media world of limitlessness, absolute capability that belongs to everyone. I wonder though does this movement fail to acknowledge the basic premise that we are each, as individual human beings limited in some way or another? This is not a negative thing! Sure, your limit is someone else’s strength, but their limit may also be your strength. Acceptance of our limits is invaluable in dissipating the internal voice that harshly tries to convince us that ‘i have to be everything, to everyone, as good as everyone else, all of the time’. In letting this voice go through acceptance of our limits, peace may be found.
So, I will repeat it again. Take care people.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference