Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference

The above, secularised version of the serenity prayer, will be familiar to those with a background working in drug and alcohol services or with any involvement in the world of AA/NA. For those of you who are not, it is a beautiful and encouraging example of how small words can support those struggling with control, addiction, and other mental troubles.

Acceptance is the underpinning of many Eastern and new age philosophies and has been readily adopted into the modern psychological treatment room. After all, if we can come to accept the mental struggles we are facing, our internal battles can largely be dropped in favour of peace, calm, and cognitive space. But what does it really mean in terms of the issues we are faced with in life?

What about love? What about our selves?

Many years ago a dear friend said to me, with regards to love, that I should never settle. I have battled with this concept since hearing it. Should we settle in a relationship that doesn’t quite tick all the boxes? To me, the idea of not-settling stands in opposition to the notion of acceptance in a way.

If you are single, it might be refreshing for you to consider that there can not possibly be just one-singular perfect person for you in this world. I cannot believe this possibility to be true. There are billions of options out there so logically there will always be someone. If you are in a relationship, this thought might be troubling.

From an evolutionary perspective, we are created to find someone. Anyone... Perfection is far from what evolution is looking for in our partner anyway. Perhaps compatibility may be a better description of what our genetic drive is seeking, moderated by a combination of our self-perception, our self-worth, and other underlying traits which determine how much we feel the need to be with someone else. IMHO acceptance is the realisation that it is necessary to settle to be in any relationship. The perfect person always has flaws. We may be blinded to them early on in a relationship but they will invariably emerge. Now, I’m not trying to be a negative nancy here, just a realist I hope. Acceptance of these character traits / behaviours / habits is ultimately a choice of own perceptions and the amount they weigh on our consciousness.

What of our selves? Surely this is the most significant thing that the serenity prayer guides us towards being able to affect? It is true in that we are able to change our selves through our thoughts, our behaviours, our biopsychological management. My profession is ultimately based on this concept after all. Helping people to sometimes change those things about themselves that they are not comfortable with or that is causing them mental stress.

Recently I was reading an article however, talking about counselling a client to know and accept their fundamental limits as well. I notice such a presence in the current social media world of limitlessness, absolute capability that belongs to everyone. I wonder though does this movement fail to acknowledge the basic premise that we are each, as individual human beings limited in some way or another? This is not a negative thing! Sure, your limit is someone else’s strength, but their limit may also be your strength. Acceptance of our limits is invaluable in dissipating the internal voice that harshly tries to convince us that ‘i have to be everything, to everyone, as good as everyone else, all of the time’. In letting this voice go through acceptance of our limits, peace may be found.

So, I will repeat it again. Take care people.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference

Does the following scenario sound familiar to anyone? It’s Friday afternoon, you’ve had a really busy week and you receive a reminder on your phone (or from your mum) that it’s your partner’s birthday tomorrow... Anyone?

Well, maybe your memory is better than most. Anyway, despite the title sounding like I’m about to launch into a multiplatform commercial promoting anything and everything, this is not what I’m writing about today. Instead, I wanted to share a tool with you that you can use to make sure that you forever (and in the next 24 hours) show your love to your partner in the most attuned way possible.

This tool is so great that it can be adopted with any sort of gift giving, not just with your GF/BF/ husband/wife but with your friends too - it just might take a bit more effort and deeper insight into understanding them. It is also absolutely vital for parents.

If you haven’t heard of The 5 Love Languages, it is essential reading for anyone wanting to improve their relationship. The book is readily available as it was written some time back though it is still relevant and accurate and easily implemented into real life. The premise is that there are 5 primary love ‘languages’ or ways that love can be given or received. The disconnect that so often occurs in relationships and gift giving is that the way that one partner habitually gives love does not align with their partner’s way of receiving love. This is something that is so commonly heard in counselling with clients speaking about their spouses.

So, what are the 5 love languages? Well, according to the researcher Gary Chapman, they are;

Words of Affirmation - using words to affirm other people

Acts of Service - where actions speaks louder than words

Receiving Gifts - when receiving a physical gift makes you feel most loved

Quality Time - giving / receiving undivided attention

Physical Touch - for this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch

Within the 5 Love Language website you can complete the quiz to determine the extent to which each of these love languages apply to you. Reflect on these for a moment if you like now. At the times you feel most loved/ most cared for, what is it that the other person is doing/ has done? Contrastingly, what do you tend to do when you want to show the people closest to you that you love them? Be honest with yourself here - don’t let the illusory-superiority bias get in the way of your responding (no-one is judging if you really only feel truly loved when you receive expensive gifts. There is often a familial explanation as to why we feel love a certain way and this is perfectly okay).

These are tough questions to answer on your own admittedly and so I do recommend taking the quiz.

“Now, back to giving the perfect gift to my partner” I hear you say. Well here’s the thing. As you may have realised by now, your partner may have a set of love language preferences that are distinct to yours. Because of this, what you would most appreciate is not necessarily going to be what they really need. The perfect ‘gift’ might not actually be something physical that you need to go and buy. Instead, it might be something as simple as sitting on Burleigh Hill with your partner for some time together - no phones - just you and them spending quality time together. Or perhaps if you have a partner with words of affirmation as their primary love language, a written note filled with complimentary words and how much you love and appreciate them in your life might be more attuned. In acts of service, perhaps undertaking the house chores or family duties that are usually left to them. This might not sound so romantic to you, but for those who really love receiving acts of service this absolutely touches their heart. There are a myriad of ways to express each of the five love languages - it is limited only by your imagination.

From here, the key is to now understand what is/ are your partner’s love language/s.

Short of asking them to take the quiz (this is a great idea and a wonderful conversation to share in a relationship BTW but if you’ve only got till tomorrow maybe don’t let it out of the bag that you haven't thought of what to gift them yet)... Instead, reflect now on the times when your partner seemed most content / pleased with your actions. What is is that you have done in the past? What is it that you do regularly that it seems they really appreciate? What did you buy for them/ organise for them / do for them that they seemed to really love you for? Take some time with this - write a few notes - and when you've come up with a few answers, take a look at these various things and see which love language category they might fall into. It might be more than one - that’s normal - but one often stands out more than the others.

Showing love goes far beyond a yearly present as I’m sure you know and it is all those small acts on a regular basis that, if correctly attuned, can go a long way in promoting relationship wellbeing. I hope that from the reflective activity above and The 5 Love Languages concept you will be guided towards finding the most ideal way to show love to those people in your life who matter most. Shops are open late tonight right?

Take care all :o)

www.tristanabba.com

*Image courtesy of Pixabay