Does the following scenario sound familiar to anyone? It’s Friday afternoon, you’ve had a really busy week and you receive a reminder on your phone (or from your mum) that it’s your partner’s birthday tomorrow... Anyone?
Well, maybe your memory is better than most. Anyway, despite the title sounding like I’m about to launch into a multiplatform commercial promoting anything and everything, this is not what I’m writing about today. Instead, I wanted to share a tool with you that you can use to make sure that you forever (and in the next 24 hours) show your love to your partner in the most attuned way possible.
This tool is so great that it can be adopted with any sort of gift giving, not just with your GF/BF/ husband/wife but with your friends too - it just might take a bit more effort and deeper insight into understanding them. It is also absolutely vital for parents.
If you haven’t heard of The 5 Love Languages, it is essential reading for anyone wanting to improve their relationship. The book is readily available as it was written some time back though it is still relevant and accurate and easily implemented into real life. The premise is that there are 5 primary love ‘languages’ or ways that love can be given or received. The disconnect that so often occurs in relationships and gift giving is that the way that one partner habitually gives love does not align with their partner’s way of receiving love. This is something that is so commonly heard in counselling with clients speaking about their spouses.
So, what are the 5 love languages? Well, according to the researcher Gary Chapman, they are;
Words of Affirmation - using words to affirm other people
Acts of Service - where actions speaks louder than words
Receiving Gifts - when receiving a physical gift makes you feel most loved
Quality Time - giving / receiving undivided attention
Physical Touch - for this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch
Within the 5 Love Language website you can complete the quiz to determine the extent to which each of these love languages apply to you. Reflect on these for a moment if you like now. At the times you feel most loved/ most cared for, what is it that the other person is doing/ has done? Contrastingly, what do you tend to do when you want to show the people closest to you that you love them? Be honest with yourself here - don’t let the illusory-superiority bias get in the way of your responding (no-one is judging if you really only feel truly loved when you receive expensive gifts. There is often a familial explanation as to why we feel love a certain way and this is perfectly okay).
These are tough questions to answer on your own admittedly and so I do recommend taking the quiz.
“Now, back to giving the perfect gift to my partner” I hear you say. Well here’s the thing. As you may have realised by now, your partner may have a set of love language preferences that are distinct to yours. Because of this, what you would most appreciate is not necessarily going to be what they really need. The perfect ‘gift’ might not actually be something physical that you need to go and buy. Instead, it might be something as simple as sitting on Burleigh Hill with your partner for some time together - no phones - just you and them spending quality time together. Or perhaps if you have a partner with words of affirmation as their primary love language, a written note filled with complimentary words and how much you love and appreciate them in your life might be more attuned. In acts of service, perhaps undertaking the house chores or family duties that are usually left to them. This might not sound so romantic to you, but for those who really love receiving acts of service this absolutely touches their heart. There are a myriad of ways to express each of the five love languages - it is limited only by your imagination.
From here, the key is to now understand what is/ are your partner’s love language/s.
Short of asking them to take the quiz (this is a great idea and a wonderful conversation to share in a relationship BTW but if you’ve only got till tomorrow maybe don’t let it out of the bag that you haven't thought of what to gift them yet)... Instead, reflect now on the times when your partner seemed most content / pleased with your actions. What is is that you have done in the past? What is it that you do regularly that it seems they really appreciate? What did you buy for them/ organise for them / do for them that they seemed to really love you for? Take some time with this - write a few notes - and when you've come up with a few answers, take a look at these various things and see which love language category they might fall into. It might be more than one - that’s normal - but one often stands out more than the others.
Showing love goes far beyond a yearly present as I’m sure you know and it is all those small acts on a regular basis that, if correctly attuned, can go a long way in promoting relationship wellbeing. I hope that from the reflective activity above and The 5 Love Languages concept you will be guided towards finding the most ideal way to show love to those people in your life who matter most. Shops are open late tonight right?
Take care all :o)
*Image courtesy of Pixabay