A Unique Opportunity to Work on Ourselves

Much of the world has been seemingly placed on pause at the moment. Many people have been placed in challenging situations regarding their employment or inability to access the services they previously required. In my practice I have been witnessing significant decline in many people’s mental health over the past fortnight due to circumstances being taken out of their control. So how do we adopt an attitude of resilience at this time and focus on the things that are within our control rather than being overwhelmed by that which is not? Here are some tips I am sharing with my clients at the moment…

First is to focus on our thinking. I am prone to a bit of catastrophic thinking, I’ll happily admit to this. How’s yours right now? Are you able to call yourself on your own BS you have playing in your head about the world around you? Do your thoughts end in doom and gloom for yourself, your family, your life? If so, now is the perfect time to change this.

Stop.

Breathe… (now more slowly and deeply, twice if not three times)…

Step back from social media, the news, people with pervasively pessimistic opinions.

Ask yourself these questions: “What evidence do I actually have that this catastrophic end I am imagining is going to eventuate? (feeling like something is true doesn’t mean for a second that it is - you’re feelings are NOT always reliable assessors of reality). What evidence can I find to suggest that it actually might not happen? What would someone older/ wiser/ kinder say to me if I shared my fears with them?”

These questions can help give us some perspective on our thinking always with the goal of bringing us back to the present.

Second is to focus in on our selves and ways we can improve. You have the time right now to do this. I know, you’re kids are climbing the walls and have completed their online school work by 840 am but if you really want to, you can make the time (a lot of other activities are no longer options at the moment, right? How can you take advantage of this time). Self-work is non-negotiable for many mental health professionals. It’s like brushing your teeth for psychologists. Without reflection on ourselves we stagnate and become unhelpful to our clients.

Making your self improvement a non-negotiable part of your week validates your growth and evolution as a human being. Now is a great time to do this, particularly in Australia where all online counselling (phone and video based psychology sessions) are open to the public and are wholly bulk billed under a MHCP. This is an amazing time if you have ever been interested in doing counselling with a professional that may have been out of your reach financially in the past. Reach out to someone who specialises in something you are struggling with and see if they are offering this service - you are no longer limited to people in your home town. Check out psychology today to find someone;

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/counselling

Amazing!

Alternatively, the NY Public Library released a free App this past fortnight with 300,000 of its books available to read for free to the world. 300,000!!! Search away for self development opportunities. The app is called SimplyE.

Third is to focus on RAP. I say this again and again but Responsibilities, Achievements, Pleasures. There are some incredible resources becoming available to the world currently online for fun and entertaining activities, learning opportunities and growth. Use this global pause to lay down new routines for yourself that will serve your future self well. This is your only responsibility to yourself at this time. Create new habits in mindful activities - reading, meditation, puzzles, gardening, art….

Be kind to yourself. Now as always…

Self Isolating for your Mental Health this Flu Season

We’re seeing plenty of governmental and health professional directives at the moment to self-isolate at the early signs of flu symptoms. This all makes sense logically now that we know the extent of the Corona Virus and its potential for transmission but really, the same rules ought to apply whenever we are harboring a fugitive infection that’s transmissible (cold, flu, etc)…

It’s like the introverted person’s dream –

isolate, isolate, isolate

in neon banners and every media platform.

I remain somewhat in jest but I wanted to write this brief post to talk about how to stay healthy mentally if you’re sick and have to isolate for a while. Actually, even if you’re not sick and are instead imposing self isolation for anxiety or other-based reasons, these following few pointers are worth taking into consideration.

1)      Remain with the RAP rule. Responsibilities, Achievements, Pleasures. Find balance in these activities even when you are housebound. It might end up resulting in quite a productive time in isolation

Even when you are sick, do your best to get something small done around the house. Or, maybe aim to tick off something on a to do list you’ve been unable to for a while (like this article: I’m home sick with the flu ATM), and continue to do good things for yourself. Take care of yourself with healthy food etc sure, but go above and beyond and enjoy an extra long hot shower or read a book if this is your thing.

2)      Strike a balance between having a routine and sloth-ing… When we’re sick, we just want to sloth. I get it. But try to retain some routine if you can during your days at home.

3)      Make your life easier where you can. Order your shopping online, cook for a couple of days at a time one day to take pressure off the next…

4)      Keep checks on your Screen time… All rules seem to go out the window when we’re sick. It’s understandable: We’re tired, lethargic, and feeling unmotivated so the lure of the screen monster is understandable. Still, excessive screen time may have a negative effect on your sleep, increase your anxiety around Corona virus, and means that your balance of RAP will become out of whack.

5)      Make regular check-ins with people. Create, maintain, and engage with people in your network. Send a letter to that uncle that too often gets forgotten… speak everyday with at least one person ideally.

6)      Continue to access nature and sunlight wherever possible.

7)      The basics. Exercise wherever you can, eat well (don’t rely on uber eats everyday), and stay well hydrated…

8)      Avoid burnout from the pandemic hype by;

• Acknowledging your uncertainties as they arise

• Pause and breathe instead of reacting

• Pull back from your worrying thoughts. Remind yourself they are only thoughts or feelings. Don’t believe everything you think. Thoughts are not statements of facts.

• Let go of thoughts and feelings. You don’t have to respond to them.

• Explore the present moment instead of getting caught up with the future based anxious thoughts. Be mindful.

stay healthy everyone. wash hands. repeat… :o)

How to Process Emotions

Many of the people I meet in my practice want to stop being affected negatively by past events or experiences. But what does this really take? One answer, is the processing of emotions that are attached to the memories. So I thought I would take a brief look here at what ‘processing’ really looks like.

There are many forms of psychotherapy out there. In my Gold Coast psychology practice, I adopt an individually tailored approach that adopts aspects from several of the alphabet soup collection of evidence-based therapies. You may have heard of some of them; Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), Motivational Interviewing (MI) and Eye Movement Desensitisation & Reprocessing (EMDR). The reason I mention these is that regardless of what therapeutic modality we adopt to build new skills, the underlying ‘processing of emotions’ remains a necessary component of our healing and runs as an undercurrent throughout your psychology sessions.

This is what emotional processing looks like in step by step form. You don’t need a therapist to do this, though a helpful and non-judgmental person may help you along the way for reflection and encouragement.

1)      Notice: Pay attention to your emotional state when either recalling a past memory or in-the-moment when your emotions are triggered. Take a deep breath. Feel. Don’t think. Feel. Notice what is happening. Bring your attention to your present experience as much as you can.

2)      Name it/ them: State what you feel. “I am sad” “I feel angry”. If you can’t pinpoint a word, try an emotion wheel like this one (I’ve left it big so you can print it out for the fridge if you like).

3)      Feel it: Stay with the feeling, even if it is hard. Notice what it feels like in your body. Stick with it through your discomfort. These are only feelings.  

4)      Relax into it: Take a few deep breaths. Notice if the feeling changes or shifts. DON’T JUDGE YOUR EXPERIENCE. Notice how your mind may try to take you out of it.

That’s it… Processing your emotions is one of the simplest yet most challenging things we face psychologically as overthinking human beings. Research indicates that the more skilled you are at doing this though, the less intra-personal (within yourself) and interpersonal (with others) conflicts you will face.

Keeping a journal can help to take this experience further or help you to deeper understand yourself. It can also help you see patterns in your thinking-feeling relationship and what triggers pop up frequently in your life.

Moving your body can be a really helpful way to process some of the physiological energy that emotions create. Dancing, yoga, running etc. Express the emotional state you are feeling. There are healthy ways to express all of the human emotions that don’t involve harming yourself or anyone else in any way.

Take care everyone and be kind to yourself. If you want some practice processing emotions, drop in to our Burleigh Heads psychology clinic or email me directly for more information.  

Note: If you’re reading this and are experiencing suicidal thoughts and have not practiced something like this before, I urge you not to, and instead call Lifeline (131114) or the Acute Care Team (1300 MH CALL) if you do not feel safe.

Likewise, if this practice becomes too overwhelming, I encourage you to enlist the help of a mental health professional for support. Don’t judge yourself. It’s just a practice like any new skill.

What's Your Money Personality?

Money is one of the most common reasons for divorces on the Gold Coast and contributes to many of the disagreements couples have. But what is a money personality and how can learning about this improve the way we communicate about money in our relationships?

There is a committed branch of psychology dedicated to personality studies. Thousands of personality questionnaires designed to determine every aspects of your personality whether for the purpose of job suitability, psychopathology, the Big 5 Factors (Extraversion, Agreeableness, Conscientiousness, Emotional Stability and Intellect), or the many other curiosities of your personalities that influence your behaviour.  Your money personality can be understood as the way that you feel and think about money and can be determined by analysing your behaviours around money.

Although there are several ways to define a money personality, whether by morals and beliefs or behavioural patterns for example, I find the most helpful to be the most practical definition. For this reason, here are five primary money personalities descriptions taken from renowned money relationship experts, Bethany & Scott Palmer. Have a read through and see which you gravitate to the most.

Savers

Get a genuine rush from saving money

Are organised, responsible and trustworthy when it comes to finances

Rarely spend impulsively

Avoid credit card debt

A joy stealer for the sake of money

Focussed on financial goals

May be viewed as cheap

Spenders

Love to buy things for other people

Get a thrill from the purchase

Impractical and impulsive purchases often

Noncommunicative around their spending decisions

Often filled with regret

May often break the budget

Risk Takers

Are a big picture person

Love finding the next adventure

Get excited by possibility

Listens to your gut

Aren’t afraid to make decisions

Blinded by possibility

May be resented by those more cautious with money

Can be impatient at times

Security Seeker

An investigator around their spending decisions

Trustworthy

Willing to sacrifice an item for security

Prepared for anything

Can be overly negative

Can get stuck in a research rut

May stifle creativity and possibilities

Flyer

Basically, content with life and do not think about money at all

Big on relationships

Happy to let someone else take care of your finances

Not motivated by money

Can be reactionary and therefore can end up in money trouble

Lack in skills to solve money troubles as they arise

May be disorganised when it comes to money

Can be un-responsible in terms of money (not irresponsible, just not so concerned by it)

In reading through these descriptions were you saying to yourself, ‘OMG that is totally me!’? Great, then this is your primary money personality. You may have also found that you saw aspects of more than one money personality in yourself. Even better.

Now, before you read further it is thought that we actually have two money personalities so I’d like you to go back and read through the descriptions again and try and see which other is like you too (maybe just some of the time). This is your secondary money personality. If you have struggled with this activity and do not resonate with these descriptions, you can take a 10-minute free quiz online by Scott and Bethany Palmer for a personalised report sent to your inbox.

The fascinating thing is that often our own money personalities clash, both within our two personalities and between ours and our partner’s. For instance, imagine if your primary money personality is a shrewd security seeker yet your secondary personality is a spender. At one moment you’re investigating the detail of your next purchase and in the next your wanting to impulse purchase an electric bike (real life example BTW). Or maybe you have a risk-taking spending partner, yet you are more conservative in your spending. You can imagine the conflict occurring.

In order to find balance and understanding, awareness is, as always, paramount. Being mindful of you and your partners’ money personalities can help you to reduce strong unhealthy biases in your behaviour and encourage empathy and understanding in your relationship when money becomes a conversation topic. So, if you’ve figured out your money personalities, get your partner to identify theirs too so that you can figure out why the clashes are occurring. There are relative strengths and weaknesses to each of the money personalities and appreciating the uniqueness of yours and theirs can help bring you closer together.

If you are interested in discussing this further with a Gold Coast Psychologist, please get in touch to see how we can help.

Struggle to Set Boundaries in Your Relationships?

Whether with family, relationships, work or friends, if you struggle to set healthy boundaries, this article is for you!

Not setting healthy boundaries manifests explicitly in allowing others to place demands on you beyond what you feel comfortable with. At times it may be more hidden. For example, the negative way your partner talks to/ about you. Regardless of the exact situation, the reality for most people is that when they are not setting clear boundaries, they just don’t feel good about themselves.

The essence of poor boundary setting is that it is difficult asking for what you really want. Many of my clients identify that this is due to concerns around denial, rejection, or loss. The context of asking for what we want may be specific to one relationship or generalised to many. If the latter, it is worth considering how your sense of self-worth/ esteem is a contributing factor.

Struggling to set boundaries

↓

Ask yourself, “What don’t I want or like in this dynamic?”

↓

“What do you need?”

↓

Be transparent and assertive about that

Being assertive can be challenging if it is new to you. A simple model to follow is saying how YOU feel or think, what it is the other person is doing that you don’t like, and what YOU want. And always be specific. Here are a couple of examples to this model in practice…

Your colleague keeps giving you their work to do.

↓

“I don’t want to stay so late at work anymore to do someone else’s work.”

↓

“I want to leave work on time and do the work I am assigned.”

↓

Say “I won’t be able to help with that. I need to focus on my own assignments this week and leave the office at 5 o’clock.

OR;

Your friend makes fun of you in front of other friends.

↓

“I don’t like being made into the joke”

↓

“I need my friend to be considerate of my feelings and to feel comfortable in social situations”

↓

Say “I was not okay with it when you made me the joke in front of our friends. When we are together, I expect you to be considerate of my feelings”.

As with all new skills, this is a practice. Gold Coast Psychologist Tristan Abba can support you to hone this skill and other non-avoidance strategies like this. The more you do it the easier it will become and the better you will feel about engaging in it and yourself. Remember, the first time is often the most difficult.

Examples above adapted from Licensed Family and Marriage Therapist, Elizabeth Earnshaw

Coping with Anxiety and Stress this Bushfire Season

In the midst of Australia battling some of the worst bush fires it has ever seen, it has been impossible to avoid the media coverage of the events unfolding around our country. The click bait links to red skies, Armageddon like visions of people stranded on beaches and singed koalas been fed water by firefighters are unmissable. This all taking place not all that far from my home in the Gold Coast. It made me begin to wonder the cumulative effect of this on our anxiety and stress levels. It’s interesting also in the context of this new year time, when people have come off the back of depleted nervous systems following a week of excessive booze, unbalanced meal plans and dealing with Auntie Sherryl’s opportune comments over Xmas. At a time when anxiety is already potentially heightened from people’s own self-development expectations as a new year looms.

I notice the public riled up. Angry and blaming towards a government head as he is the easiest target to cast fear driven shame. Climate change becomes a daily conversation and everyone is an expert it seems. Now, before I give you some functional psychological strategies for this time of our lives, here are some ways you might be making your anxiety and stress worse this fire season.

1.       Trying to force people to agree with your climate change perspectives

2.       Avoiding everyone who seems anxious or distressed

3.       Surrounding yourself with solely anxious or distressed people

4.       Quickly borrowing solutions to the fire crisis from people you follow on social media or ‘experts’

5.       You act as though the apocalyptic view of Australia portrayed on histrionic media stations is actually true

6.       Using all of your energy to focus on raising others from their naivety and ignore your own needs and your family

7.       Focussing more on Scomo’s behaviours around people instead of your own

8.       Venting to others without first calming yourself down to a rational level

9.       Over-functioning for Australia or your immediate surroundings when you feel frustrated

10.   Convincing yourself that the Prime Minister must change in order for you to calm down

All of these are stop gap measures to relieve our anxiety or stress. But they do little to increase our capacity to endure and tolerate these experiences. These actions make us sensitive to dramatic news stories and distract us from being our best, more logical calm selves.

On the opposite spectrum, here are the opposite of these behaviours. People who manage these are more likely to be calmer as a population during challenging times.

1.       They develop their own balanced opinions on this situation over time instead of borrowing them from others

2.       They respond based on the facts rather than their (or others’) imagination

3.       They can be around climate change sceptics and Greta alike and feel able to think for themselves

4.       They try to self-regulate before asking to be reassured

5.       They can be flexible in their thinking around the fires, climate change, and yes, even Scomo

6.       They focus on managing themselves rather than changing others

7.       They accept that anxiety is a natural part of real psychological growth

Please take care fellow Australians whether you are immediately affected by the bush fires or not. Although I don't want to minimise the travesty of this fire season, I don’t think it is helpful to magnify it. This is not the end of our beautiful sunburnt country. There will no doubt be significant change from it. And I only hope that learnings will come to people with power from this experience. Right now, much is out of our control yet our reactions, our anxiety in the face of these situations can be helped.

I have no professional training on climate change, fire fighting, politics and indeed, the Apocalypse. Although reading between my satirical lines you may find a personal opinion on these matters, my intention was not to push one. I have the deepest respect for the firefighters working in their roles and the greatest of sympathy to those who have lost lives, loved ones, or their homes in these blazes.

Christmas and your Mental Health

Christmas in the Abba house

Christmas can be all sorts of things. You may hate it. You may love it. Our past experiences dictate this to a great extent. Were your expectations met in your past or did Christmas feel like a disappointment or worse?

Christmas may evoke feelings of inadequacy, lack, loneliness, uncomfortable reminders of family presence or non-presence, memories you'd rather leave in the past... Maybe these are shrouded by negativity towards Christmas or you use the 'commercialisation of Christmas' as an excuse to avoid facing your true feelings about this time of year.

What legacy of Christmas would you rather leave for your children, present or future? How can you show gratitude for the year that has been, and those closest to you.

At some point of the past few years I began to let go of my adversity to Christmas (my wife is basically a Christmas elf so it wore my grinchness down after a while). Then I realised the opportunity to make this time of year something amazing for my own children (plus they're great free helpers for sticking stamps on cards to say thanks to the many many doctors who refer to me each year enabling me to carry on the work that I do).

Happy holiday season everyone. My practice is closed from Christmas eve this year until 6th January. If you need urgent support during this time please call Lifeline (131114) or Beyond Blue (1300224636). I will be, as always, available by email within a 24 hour time frame to all of my clients.

#christmassy #family #elves #lifeline #beyondblue #Canva

Assertive Communication

One of the most valuable things I have learnt in my career as a psychologist, drug and alcohol counsellor, group facilitator has been Assertive Communication. I won’t go into detail as the image here describes it wonderfully. The nuances between passive, assertive, and aggressive communication styles are clear and can make for dramatic improvements to your relationships with others.

Be kind to yourself in reading these. We all fall into the traps of passive or aggressive communication at times but the key is to note when we have done it and make amends- to ourselves or others. Then gently and with courage bring our primary pattern of communication back to assertiveness.

Thanks to https://www.get.gg/selfhelp.htm for the image.

Therapy App Review

Sure, why not use the phenomenal amount of time we spend on our devices wisely to support our mental health and psychology sessions?

I just discovered two great apps as an adjunct to your therapy. For in-between session notes and reflections a simple piece of free software called My Therapy Notes is worth your consideration. Simple note taking, additional security login for confidentiality. It’s a great recording process.

Similarly named, MyTherapy tracks and reminds you about your medication, which behavioural strategies you are using and how they are working… clever!

MyTherapy is UK based so the helpline phone numbers are UK ones but apart from this, I love this tool and will definitely begin mentioning it to suitable clients from now on.

https://www.mytherapyapp.com/download