How to Process Emotions

Many of the people I meet in my practice want to stop being affected negatively by past events or experiences. But what does this really take? One answer, is the processing of emotions that are attached to the memories. So I thought I would take a brief look here at what ‘processing’ really looks like.

There are many forms of psychotherapy out there. In my Gold Coast psychology practice, I adopt an individually tailored approach that adopts aspects from several of the alphabet soup collection of evidence-based therapies. You may have heard of some of them; Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), Motivational Interviewing (MI) and Eye Movement Desensitisation & Reprocessing (EMDR). The reason I mention these is that regardless of what therapeutic modality we adopt to build new skills, the underlying ‘processing of emotions’ remains a necessary component of our healing and runs as an undercurrent throughout your psychology sessions.

This is what emotional processing looks like in step by step form. You don’t need a therapist to do this, though a helpful and non-judgmental person may help you along the way for reflection and encouragement.

1)      Notice: Pay attention to your emotional state when either recalling a past memory or in-the-moment when your emotions are triggered. Take a deep breath. Feel. Don’t think. Feel. Notice what is happening. Bring your attention to your present experience as much as you can.

2)      Name it/ them: State what you feel. “I am sad” “I feel angry”. If you can’t pinpoint a word, try an emotion wheel like this one (I’ve left it big so you can print it out for the fridge if you like).

3)      Feel it: Stay with the feeling, even if it is hard. Notice what it feels like in your body. Stick with it through your discomfort. These are only feelings.  

4)      Relax into it: Take a few deep breaths. Notice if the feeling changes or shifts. DON’T JUDGE YOUR EXPERIENCE. Notice how your mind may try to take you out of it.

That’s it… Processing your emotions is one of the simplest yet most challenging things we face psychologically as overthinking human beings. Research indicates that the more skilled you are at doing this though, the less intra-personal (within yourself) and interpersonal (with others) conflicts you will face.

Keeping a journal can help to take this experience further or help you to deeper understand yourself. It can also help you see patterns in your thinking-feeling relationship and what triggers pop up frequently in your life.

Moving your body can be a really helpful way to process some of the physiological energy that emotions create. Dancing, yoga, running etc. Express the emotional state you are feeling. There are healthy ways to express all of the human emotions that don’t involve harming yourself or anyone else in any way.

Take care everyone and be kind to yourself. If you want some practice processing emotions, drop in to our Burleigh Heads psychology clinic or email me directly for more information.  

Note: If you’re reading this and are experiencing suicidal thoughts and have not practiced something like this before, I urge you not to, and instead call Lifeline (131114) or the Acute Care Team (1300 MH CALL) if you do not feel safe.

Likewise, if this practice becomes too overwhelming, I encourage you to enlist the help of a mental health professional for support. Don’t judge yourself. It’s just a practice like any new skill.

Struggle to Set Boundaries in Your Relationships?

Whether with family, relationships, work or friends, if you struggle to set healthy boundaries, this article is for you!

Not setting healthy boundaries manifests explicitly in allowing others to place demands on you beyond what you feel comfortable with. At times it may be more hidden. For example, the negative way your partner talks to/ about you. Regardless of the exact situation, the reality for most people is that when they are not setting clear boundaries, they just don’t feel good about themselves.

The essence of poor boundary setting is that it is difficult asking for what you really want. Many of my clients identify that this is due to concerns around denial, rejection, or loss. The context of asking for what we want may be specific to one relationship or generalised to many. If the latter, it is worth considering how your sense of self-worth/ esteem is a contributing factor.

Struggling to set boundaries

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Ask yourself, “What don’t I want or like in this dynamic?”

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“What do you need?”

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Be transparent and assertive about that

Being assertive can be challenging if it is new to you. A simple model to follow is saying how YOU feel or think, what it is the other person is doing that you don’t like, and what YOU want. And always be specific. Here are a couple of examples to this model in practice…

Your colleague keeps giving you their work to do.

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“I don’t want to stay so late at work anymore to do someone else’s work.”

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“I want to leave work on time and do the work I am assigned.”

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Say “I won’t be able to help with that. I need to focus on my own assignments this week and leave the office at 5 o’clock.

OR;

Your friend makes fun of you in front of other friends.

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“I don’t like being made into the joke”

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“I need my friend to be considerate of my feelings and to feel comfortable in social situations”

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Say “I was not okay with it when you made me the joke in front of our friends. When we are together, I expect you to be considerate of my feelings”.

As with all new skills, this is a practice. Gold Coast Psychologist Tristan Abba can support you to hone this skill and other non-avoidance strategies like this. The more you do it the easier it will become and the better you will feel about engaging in it and yourself. Remember, the first time is often the most difficult.

Examples above adapted from Licensed Family and Marriage Therapist, Elizabeth Earnshaw

Coping with Anxiety and Stress this Bushfire Season

In the midst of Australia battling some of the worst bush fires it has ever seen, it has been impossible to avoid the media coverage of the events unfolding around our country. The click bait links to red skies, Armageddon like visions of people stranded on beaches and singed koalas been fed water by firefighters are unmissable. This all taking place not all that far from my home in the Gold Coast. It made me begin to wonder the cumulative effect of this on our anxiety and stress levels. It’s interesting also in the context of this new year time, when people have come off the back of depleted nervous systems following a week of excessive booze, unbalanced meal plans and dealing with Auntie Sherryl’s opportune comments over Xmas. At a time when anxiety is already potentially heightened from people’s own self-development expectations as a new year looms.

I notice the public riled up. Angry and blaming towards a government head as he is the easiest target to cast fear driven shame. Climate change becomes a daily conversation and everyone is an expert it seems. Now, before I give you some functional psychological strategies for this time of our lives, here are some ways you might be making your anxiety and stress worse this fire season.

1.       Trying to force people to agree with your climate change perspectives

2.       Avoiding everyone who seems anxious or distressed

3.       Surrounding yourself with solely anxious or distressed people

4.       Quickly borrowing solutions to the fire crisis from people you follow on social media or ‘experts’

5.       You act as though the apocalyptic view of Australia portrayed on histrionic media stations is actually true

6.       Using all of your energy to focus on raising others from their naivety and ignore your own needs and your family

7.       Focussing more on Scomo’s behaviours around people instead of your own

8.       Venting to others without first calming yourself down to a rational level

9.       Over-functioning for Australia or your immediate surroundings when you feel frustrated

10.   Convincing yourself that the Prime Minister must change in order for you to calm down

All of these are stop gap measures to relieve our anxiety or stress. But they do little to increase our capacity to endure and tolerate these experiences. These actions make us sensitive to dramatic news stories and distract us from being our best, more logical calm selves.

On the opposite spectrum, here are the opposite of these behaviours. People who manage these are more likely to be calmer as a population during challenging times.

1.       They develop their own balanced opinions on this situation over time instead of borrowing them from others

2.       They respond based on the facts rather than their (or others’) imagination

3.       They can be around climate change sceptics and Greta alike and feel able to think for themselves

4.       They try to self-regulate before asking to be reassured

5.       They can be flexible in their thinking around the fires, climate change, and yes, even Scomo

6.       They focus on managing themselves rather than changing others

7.       They accept that anxiety is a natural part of real psychological growth

Please take care fellow Australians whether you are immediately affected by the bush fires or not. Although I don't want to minimise the travesty of this fire season, I don’t think it is helpful to magnify it. This is not the end of our beautiful sunburnt country. There will no doubt be significant change from it. And I only hope that learnings will come to people with power from this experience. Right now, much is out of our control yet our reactions, our anxiety in the face of these situations can be helped.

I have no professional training on climate change, fire fighting, politics and indeed, the Apocalypse. Although reading between my satirical lines you may find a personal opinion on these matters, my intention was not to push one. I have the deepest respect for the firefighters working in their roles and the greatest of sympathy to those who have lost lives, loved ones, or their homes in these blazes.