Whether with family, relationships, work or friends, if you struggle to set healthy boundaries, this article is for you!
Not setting healthy boundaries manifests explicitly in allowing others to place demands on you beyond what you feel comfortable with. At times it may be more hidden. For example, the negative way your partner talks to/ about you. Regardless of the exact situation, the reality for most people is that when they are not setting clear boundaries, they just don’t feel good about themselves.
The essence of poor boundary setting is that it is difficult asking for what you really want. Many of my clients identify that this is due to concerns around denial, rejection, or loss. The context of asking for what we want may be specific to one relationship or generalised to many. If the latter, it is worth considering how your sense of self-worth/ esteem is a contributing factor.
Struggling to set boundaries
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Ask yourself, “What don’t I want or like in this dynamic?”
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“What do you need?”
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Be transparent and assertive about that
Being assertive can be challenging if it is new to you. A simple model to follow is saying how YOU feel or think, what it is the other person is doing that you don’t like, and what YOU want. And always be specific. Here are a couple of examples to this model in practice…
Your colleague keeps giving you their work to do.
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“I don’t want to stay so late at work anymore to do someone else’s work.”
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“I want to leave work on time and do the work I am assigned.”
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Say “I won’t be able to help with that. I need to focus on my own assignments this week and leave the office at 5 o’clock.
OR;
Your friend makes fun of you in front of other friends.
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“I don’t like being made into the joke”
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“I need my friend to be considerate of my feelings and to feel comfortable in social situations”
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Say “I was not okay with it when you made me the joke in front of our friends. When we are together, I expect you to be considerate of my feelings”.
As with all new skills, this is a practice. Gold Coast Psychologist Tristan Abba can support you to hone this skill and other non-avoidance strategies like this. The more you do it the easier it will become and the better you will feel about engaging in it and yourself. Remember, the first time is often the most difficult.
Examples above adapted from Licensed Family and Marriage Therapist, Elizabeth Earnshaw