psychology

Another Reason Why Not to Use Your Phone in the Toilet

Image courtesy of Pixabay

Image courtesy of Pixabay

Admittedly, there are a hundred million germy reasons why we shouldn't be using something in a toilet that is designed to go near our face. Despite this though, various surveys report that up to 75% of people admit to regularly replying to text, checking social media or even using their phone to talk to people whilst on the toilet! Now, I don’t fall into this statistic and am pretty shocked by this figure so I thought I would add just one more reason not to for those who do. That is; your brain.

We live in a world which is constantly on the go. I watched a TED talk recently by Manoush Zomorodi, a tech podcaster and boredom specialist (what a title), who reports that people in today's society succumb to their bored urges very quickly indeed. According to Zomorodi, people check their emails on average 74 times a day and switch tasks on their devices 566 times a day (from a conversation with Professor Gloria Mark). Often just because they are bored. Now, I don’t know what population make up this statistic but I think that it is likely further enabled by the socially acceptable electronic device within reach to us almost all of our waking days. Our phones are so much more than just a phone and offer so many forms of boredom-quashing entertainment. Our brain is adapting to this and goes along feeding a never-ending evolutionary-driven thirst for stimulation. But at what cost? Zomorodi goes on to say that when we look at brains in times of boredom, they are not doing nothing. Quite the opposite. Our brains are busy consolidating memories, developing creative ideas and solving problems through the formation of new neural connections. Similar processes occur during sleep hence it's necessity in mental wellbeing. Having downtime (being bored) actually maximises our creativity, productiveness and cognitive potentials.

Zomorodi’s talk made me think. How can we create more downtime from our devices? Are there any alone times in your lives where you allow yourself to just be bored? For many, boredom is emotionally uncomfortable so they keep a tight and busy schedule so as to avoid it. Loneliness, anxiety or unresolved grief quite often emerge in times of boredom. In my personal case, I reflected on my alone time. I have two young girls so don't get much of this I'll admit when I'm not writing or have tasks I've set myself to complete. But i don’t feel uncomfortable with boredom per se. At first I started to think outside of the work environment but even when I'm running I am listening to Spotify. I considered re-taking up swimming recently and as I did, began Googling waterproof MP3 players to avoid the tedium of the black line I remember too well… and this was about the time I thought of the humble toilet.

I began reflecting on Yuval Noah Harari's writing and the many tales from history of revolutionaries of humanity and knowledge who had realised their greatest ideas whilst sitting on the pot. The toilet has been a place of quiet solace, barren of interpersonal contact for the majority of human civilisation... Until now apparently for an astonishingly large percentage of people.

Readers, I encourage you to cherish your time of boredom whilst sitting on the toilet. A space where you may routinely forget any expectations society has of you, or perhaps you may ponder these. Regardless of where your mind goes, let it go there. Seize this time of boredom instead of your phone. If not for e Coli, then for your brains.

How To Choose The Perfect Gift

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Does the following scenario sound familiar to anyone? It’s Friday afternoon, you’ve had a really busy week and you receive a reminder on your phone (or from your mum) that it’s your partner’s birthday tomorrow... Anyone?

Well, maybe your memory is better than most. Anyway, despite the title sounding like I’m about to launch into a multiplatform commercial promoting anything and everything, this is not what I’m writing about today. Instead, I wanted to share a tool with you that you can use to make sure that you forever (and in the next 24 hours) show your love to your partner in the most attuned way possible. 

This tool is so great that it can be adopted with any sort of gift giving, not just with your GF/BF/ husband/wife but with your friends too - it just might take a bit more effort and deeper insight into understanding them. It is also absolutely vital for parents.

If you haven’t heard of The 5 Love Languages, it is essential reading for anyone wanting to improve their relationship. The book is readily available as it was written some time back though it is still relevant and accurate and easily implemented into real life. The premise is that there are 5 primary love ‘languages’ or ways that love can be given or received. The disconnect that so often occurs in relationships and gift giving is that the way that one partner habitually gives love does not align with their partner’s way of receiving love. This is something that is so commonly heard in counselling with clients speaking about their spouses.

So, what are the 5 love languages? Well, according to the researcher Gary Chapman, they are;

Words of Affirmation - using words to affirm other people

Acts of Service - where actions speaks louder than words

Receiving Gifts - when receiving a physical gift makes you feel most loved

Quality Time - giving / receiving undivided attention

Physical Touch - for this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch

Within the 5 Love Language website you can complete the quiz to determine the extent to which each of these love languages apply to you. Reflect on these for a moment if you like now. At the times you feel most loved/ most cared for, what is it that the other person is doing/ has done? Contrastingly, what do you tend to do when you want to show the people closest to you that you love them? Be honest with yourself here - don’t let the illusory-superiority bias get in the way of your responding (no-one is judging if you really only feel truly loved when you receive expensive gifts. There is often a familial explanation as to why we feel love a certain way and this is perfectly okay). 

These are tough questions to answer on your own admittedly and so I do recommend taking the quiz. 

“Now, back to giving the perfect gift to my partner” I hear you say. Well here’s the thing. As you may have realised by now, your partner may have a set of love language preferences that are distinct to yours. Because of this, what you would most appreciate is not necessarily going to be what they really need. The perfect ‘gift’ might not actually be something physical that you need to go and buy. Instead, it might be something as simple as sitting on Burleigh Hill with your partner for some time together - no phones - just you and them spending quality time together. Or perhaps if you have a partner with words of affirmation as their primary love language, a written note filled with complimentary words and how much you love and appreciate them in your life might be more attuned. In acts of service, perhaps undertaking the house chores or family duties that are usually left to them. This might not sound so romantic to you, but for those who really love receiving acts of service this absolutely touches their heart. There are a myriad of ways to express each of the five love languages - it is limited only by your imagination. 

From here, the key is to now understand what is/ are your partner’s love language/s.

Short of asking them to take the quiz (this is a great idea and a wonderful conversation to share in a relationship BTW but if you’ve only got till tomorrow maybe don’t let it out of the bag that you haven't thought of what to gift them yet)... Instead, reflect now on the times when your partner seemed most content / pleased with your actions. What is is that you have done in the past? What is it that you do regularly that it seems they really appreciate? What did you buy for them/ organise for them / do for them that they seemed to really love you for? Take some time with this - write a few notes - and when you've come up with a few answers, take a look at these various things and see which love language category they might fall into. It might be more than one - that’s normal - but one often stands out more than the others. 

Showing love goes far beyond a yearly present as I’m sure you know and it is all those small acts on a regular basis that, if correctly attuned, can go a long way in promoting relationship wellbeing. I hope that from the reflective activity above and The 5 Love Languages concept you will be guided towards finding the most ideal way to show love to those people in your life who matter most. Shops are open late tonight right?

Take care all :o)

www.tristanabba.com

 

*Image courtesy of Pixabay

Choosing your career

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Okay, be prepared, the linked article is a long one but it is wonderfully written and engaging. 

Tim Urban uses simple explanations to describe the complex processes a person is faced with in choosing a career today. Such a great read. I'm not going to summarise the article here but suffice to say there are some brilliant metaphors including a yearning octopus who I love.

"The world is easy—you’re difficult. If you find yourself continually not executing your plans in life and your promises to yourself, you’ve uncovered your new #1 priority—becoming a better kindergarten teacher. Until you do, your life will be run by a bunch of primitive, short-sighted 5-year-olds, and your whole shit will suck." Tim Urban

The above quote is going up on my wall for sure!

Perhaps my favourite aspect of this whole article though is the realisation that no matter what you choose during your career path, there will always be at least one part of yourself that will not be wholly satisfied. This is okay. This is a fundamental aspect of our human nature. Accept this, and the reality of your life choices become a lot easier.

Enjoy the read

Tristan  

 

Returning to practice soon!

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I have had the most incredible past year travelling the world, learning new things, challenging myself in new ways, struggling with new internal processes. It's been great. It's been hard. This is life - always a balance of both. All cliches aside, I genuinely feel like this past year changed me as a person significantly for the better. This will no doubt roll into my professional life and I am really looking forward to this.

I'm returning to work in October 2018 at the new Lives Lived Well Specialist Centre (formerly Banjara) in Burleigh Heads. I considered a few other options but at the end of the day my heart won out with a familiar environment and an encouraging network already in the community.

I found the above quote the other day and I've rarely read something that describes me so perfectly when I am at work. My inner voice of judgment is dropped and each of my clients are 'trees' that I get to see for who they are and understand the unique set of life events that have shaped them as people. It is this paradoxically peaceful serenity from my own busy mind that I love so much about the counselling room. 

Contact for an appointment or for more information about my approach. Look forward to connecting or catching up soon. 

Tristan :)

Choose your diet, choose your mood

 

There is so much interesting neurobiological research being published at the moment about what  we eat and how this affects our psychology.

To sum up what I've been reading from what I can understand (I was never much of a biologist);

- the gut is full of bacteria (good, bad, and indifferent).

- It's been known for a long time that the brain has an effect on the gut (think getting diarrhea when we're highly anxious - before a race or an exam).

- We are only now recognizing that the bacteria in the gut can have a direct effect on mood also!

- What we eat determines the balance of bacteria in our gut (an obvious point I know)  

So; WHAT SHOULD WE BE EATING ?

Well, this is where things are still a bit unclear unfortunately. Which foods create bacteria in our gut that create more feelings of anxiety or depression? Maybe it's not so simple.

What we do know is that a low fibre + high sugar diet isn't great... It's what they've been telling us all along I guess for our general health : more wholefoods (veggies, fruit, meat, beans etc), less processed junk food. The same counts for our mental health.

Tips for avoiding junk food during the day:

- Eat the biggest healthy breakfast reminding yourself that you are making your day greater

- Take lunch to work or school and plenty of it

- Take plenty of snacks (have a lunch box of fruit and nut mix in the car or in the office and I guarantee a handful or two of these will reduce the craving for that arvy Twix bar)

- Have your own water bottle and keep it with you (save money buying water and drink it often. Half of the time we think we're hungry when we're actually thirsty...)