Over the years, I’ve explained this concept to thousands of clients. It’s both intuitive and impactful, rooted in emotionally focused therapy and developmental psychology. The goal is to shed light on why individuals experience and express specific emotions in the ways they do.
I first encountered this concept during my Master’s studies and while working as a group facilitator in a men’s substance abuse rehabilitation program nearly two decades ago. Since then, it’s resurfaced repeatedly in readings about emotional development and has become an invaluable tool in my work. It’s simple yet profound, offering immediate, practical value to those I share it with.
Here’s how I typically explain it:
The Foundation: Primary Emotions
We are all born with a basic set of primary emotions: Mad, Glad, Sad, Scared, and Shame. These emotions are universal and inherently valuable. They guide us, teach us, and enable us to relate and survive—both as individuals and as a species. While the specific purposes of these emotions could fill another blog post, it’s helpful to think of all primary emotions as essential building blocks of human experience.
How Childhood Shapes Our Emotional Patterns
From an early age, we begin to learn how our emotions influence our environment. For instance:
A child might find that expressing anger leads to chastisement, rejection, or even a withdrawal of love.
Boys, in particular, are often discouraged from showing sadness or fear, hearing messages like “Boys don’t cry” or “Don’t be a scaredy-cat.”
These early experiences can make certain emotions feel unsafe or unacceptable. Over time, the child (and later, the adult) may unconsciously repress these emotions. Instead, the repressed feelings resurface as secondary emotions—expressions that can appear quite similar to primary emotions but serve as a mask for what lies underneath.
Primary vs. Secondary Emotions
Primary Emotions Secondary Emotions
Mad Aggression/Rage
Glad Mania, Hyperactivity, or Fake Happiness
Sad Depression
Scared Overwhelming Anxiety (though anxiety is complex)
Shame Persistent Shame
For example, boys may find it more socially acceptable to display anger (secondary) rather than tears or fear (primary). This pattern often continues into adulthood, where the connection between secondary emotions and their primary roots becomes deeply ingrained.
Reflecting on Your Emotional Constellation
Take a moment to think about your childhood. How were your emotions—Mad, Glad, Sad, Scared, and Shame—responded to within your family or key relationships? Which emotions felt safe to express, and which were discouraged or rejected?
This isn’t about blaming parents or caregivers; they were likely doing their best with what they knew. Instead, it’s about awareness. Notice which emotions you tend to repress and how they might manifest as secondary emotions today.
For instance, if you often suppress fear, does it resurface as anger or anxiety? If sadness wasn’t acceptable, do you find it hard to acknowledge vulnerability, opting instead for stoicism or withdrawal?
Moving Toward Emotional Awareness
Recognizing these patterns is the first step. Adjusting emotions to fit a situation is a natural and adaptive process. However, when these patterns operate outside our awareness, they can become unhelpful.
The goal is to connect with your primary emotions and experience the world with greater emotional presence. Here are some reflective questions to help uncover the layers beneath your feelings:
What might be underneath this emotion I’m feeling right now?
Does this remind me of a past experience?
What other emotions might I be avoiding or suppressing?
With time, self-awareness, and possibly the guidance of therapy, you can learn to honor your emotions in their most authentic forms. All emotions—primary and secondary—serve a purpose. By understanding their origins and embracing them, we move closer to emotional health and authenticity.